RELATIONSHIP PIGEON CHESS: ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, no one knows what fucking planet Boris Johnson is on’ is on the bookshelves today as publishers seek to cash in on the Johnson news tsunami.
The book itself is merely an update on the 1990’s smash self help book.
An entire extra chapter has been added at the back, under cover of darkeness, and guaranteed to have buggered off by dawn each day, to deal with what there is to learn about relationships from Boris Johnson.
“It’s a fat chapter,” Professor Fifty-Shades, responsible for the update, reveals, “200 pages long! And every page is a blank one. That’s because there’s nothing Boris Johnson knows about women that anyone should pass on.”
But the mention of planets does give the book an extra layer of meaning.
Which planet exactly is Boris Johnson on?
”Nobody knows. He changes location daily lest someone try and interview him. It’s costing a fortune to keep him concealed. But we know where he is from.”
Oh, where’s that?
”Pluto. It’s confirmed. Cold. Dark. Distant. Tectonically active, but no use to anyone but itself. Perfect fit.”
Oh we immediately thought of the classic Disney cartoon dog.
”That’ll do too.”
Is there any chance of sending him back to Pluto permanently, before he does more harm with his fondness for dog whistle racism?
”We’re working on it. The working theory is tie a blonde sex doll to a giant bone shaped spaceship. Dose up Bojo with coke. Fire her off into orbit and watch him go.”
Thats great.
”But there’s only one problem if we succeed.”
Which is?
”Then we’ll have to work out where Jeremy Hunt is from.”