There have been many breakthroughs in the world of science in the last few years, but the most exciting one of recent times was announced yesterday, as scientists expressed a profound hope that they would one day be able to cure Ann Widdecombe.
Professor Austin Herring of St Dunstan’s College, Cambridge, said to the press:
“We have been looking for a cure for Ann Widdecombe now for several years and we have recently made a discovery that could really help us.”
And what is this discovery?
“The answer might lie within nature itself. It turns out that her cells and atoms are not in the same state that they once were, they have been decaying slowly for decades. You can see this if you look at pictures of her from the past and compare them to how she looks now. Her appearance has changed immensely in a process we call ‘ageing’ – her skin is more saggy and wrinkly now compared to in her earlier days.”
This much is certainly true, so how does this help?
“Well,” Professor Herring explained, “as I explain in my book No You Can’t Flush Grandpa Down The Toilet He’s Not A Goldfish, at this rate her molecules are probably going to decay completely within the next decade, until she finally shuts down altogether. We call this phase ‘dying’. And when that happens, there’ll be no more Ann Widdecombe.”
So in short we just let nature take its course?
“Yes. It’s something that’s happening to us all though, we may all die before she does, but the odds of that are astronomical, as her level of moral decay is far more advanced than the average human. But then we’ve been saying that about Keith Richards for years and he still walks among us,
”Still, in Ann’s case, we’re looking into alternatives, not necessarily involving the dying process. It’s this scientist’s belief that she’s possibly a closet lesbian and just needs to be outed in order for her homophobic slurs to lose their currency.”
That would certainly be a better option. All we need to do now is find a woman willing to attempt to out Ann, although I think the dying option might produce quicker results, as that will only need another decade or two.