Head Prefect of the Westminster Entitled Twats School (WETS), Rory Stewart, has spoken out on the subject of drugs. He says they haven’t affected his youthful good looks in the slightest.
“My rugged good looks give me authority,” claimed Rory, removing a syringe from his arm. “People mistake me for someone in their forties. It’s good breeding, and nothing at all to do with drugs.”
Tory Rory, as he is known, has been put on report for his comments, given a detention, and barred from standing for election as leader of the school’s Young Conservatives.
Wrinkly Rory is disappointed with the outcome. “All the boys, and most of the masters, are on something,” he revealed. “The drugs give you a different view of the world. This is essential, since most of the boys eventually enter politics.”
Gap-toothed Rory bears the scars of an unfortunate incident earlier in his school career. “It happened while Rory was in the Lower Fourth,” said house master Bircham Daley. “One of the sixth formers cut his supply with, well to this day we don’t know what, and Rory took far too much. Matron managed to shove most of his teeth back in, but it was touch and go for a while there.”
How has this affected his schooling? “Not at all,” replied Daley. “He acquired all the GCSEs he wanted, paying the ‘A* supplement’ in several subjects, and I still have the invoice to prove it!”
Daley also revealed that Rory was made Head Prefect to compensate for missing several weeks of jolly japes after the incident with the teeth.
“We have also fast tracked him to get into Oxford,” said Daley. “The life and drugs are harder there, but I’m sure he will excel.”
WETS’ loss is the country’s gain. There aren’t nearly enough rich, privately educated, drug-addled Tory boys in parliament.
But the big question remains, on which his future hangs. Did he inhale?