Labour demand a general election to replicate their success in local and EU elections

Labour has responded to their outstanding success in recent elections by calling for a general election. Strategists are projecting that Labour could win as many as 150 seats.

“This is our moment!” claimed Labour insider Les Ismore. “The Tories are in disarray. We lost fewer than them, that means we won!”

Doesn’t the fact that other parties won more seats than Labour concern you?

“What? No way,” replied Ismore. “We have a two party system, you know!”

So how will things pan out, given that the two main parties did so poorly?

“We did well. Very well indeed,” Ismore corrected. We are on course to win a landslide of cast-iron safe Labour seats!”

All the available information says that a Remain orientated, second referendum supporting Labour party would clean up at at a general election.

“But that is not an option,” mealy-mouthed Ismore. “We promised to respect the first referendum, however corrupt and however narrow the result. It’s the will of the people, and what the people want now is irrelevant.”

How many voters would you lose by changing tack?

“Lots. Hundreds. Dozens, maybe,” admitted Ismore. “But they are the ones threatening violence, and we deplore violence.”

How does that square with ‘For the many, not the few’?

“It makes perfect sense for the many Brexit supporters!” replied Ismore.

Meanwhile there is a growing grassroots rebellion in The North. Natural Labour supporters, disappointed with their party sucking up to fascists, are taking direct action.

“We ain’t throwing milkshakes!” explained activist Chuck Foodstuffs. “Instead, we are slathering anyone who comes beyond the M25 to preach Brexit with tomato ketchup.”

Wouldn’t brown sauce be more, erm, Northern?

“Aye, but no self-respecting northerner would throw their brown sauce,” explained Foodstuffs. “It’s practically currency oop ‘ere.”

If a general election is called, expect to see a lot of red-faced Labour campaigners.

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