It must be the knottiest of knotty problems. How is the UK is to leave the EU without disrupting the fragile peace in Ireland? How fortunate, then, that the solution to the problem has been discovered written on a beermat in Wetherspoons.
It turns out that there is a genius who drinks at ‘Spoons, but poses and solves problems for his own entertainment. This character has been nicknamed “Beermat”, since he writes down all his puzzles on the cardboard coasters commonly provided in pubs.
Beermat is an infuriating character. Slapdash in his approach, with a butterfly mind flitting from problem to problem, he has nevertheless made his mark on society. As well as his work on coasters, he tends to share his thoughts with one or two trusted accomplices over Messenger. Untangling these convoluted ideas is a tedious job, but well worth it to discover the many nuggets of pure thought.
A humble solicitor’s clerk by day, “Beermat” spends his evenings working his way steadily through a variety of problems (and pints). He also works his way through an alarming quantity of mats. These problems include scientific ideas, mathematical proofs and political expediency.
For example, “Beermat’s Principle” is well known. This calculates the shortest distance from Wetherspoons to home, taking in all the other pubs on the way.
Another well-known example is how to square the circle, popularly known as “Beermat’s Little Theorem”. This work is used constantly in modern-day politics.
When it comes to the Irish border, Beermat proposes an astonishing duality. In governmental circles, this is referred to as “Beermat’s Last Theorem” and is discussed in hushed voices. In Beermat’s own words: “The solution is simple. I call it the Brexit/not-Brexit Theorem. This means that Brexit both exists and simultaneously doesn’t exist at all points on the Irish border.” Flipping the card over reveals his most gnomic statement yet:
“I have discovered a truly remarkable demonstration of this Theorem, but the beermat is too small to contain it.”