David Cameron, the once and never-again Prime Gammon Minister, has finally had his greatest achievement recognised. He has been awarded the inaugural Tory Without A Thought (T.W.A.T.) award.
The accolade was hotly contested. Many Tories, both parliamentary and lay, were expecting (with no little justification) to be in the running. But in the end, there was only ever going to be one winner. Cameron, the man who is the root of all Brexit, swept all before him. Twat!
“I’m most delighted, indeed overwhelmed,” stammered a dishevelled, half-naked Cameron at the door of his shed, as he received his trophy from Danny Dyer. A sound of contented grunting floated through the open doorway. “You held that stupid vote, just to shut your sodding party up, and it unleashed a shitstorm like a herd of giant woolly mammoths OD-ing on laxatives,” replied Dyer. “Twat!”
“I never imagined it would be Dave!” wheezed Young Conservative Jerry Attrick, 83. Attrick’s lack of imagination, he imagined, would have made him a front-runner. “Everyone down the George And Dragon always calls me a twat when I explain why Brexit is going to be great for Britain. I was expecting the award, instead of that useless chinless wonder. Twat!”
In fact, the list of nominees was enormous. According to some sources, 17.4m names were on the initial list. Unfortunately for many of them, only members of the Conservative Party were deemed eligible for consideration.
The disappointment elsewhere was tangible. Piers Morgan tweeted: “So I’m not as much of a T.W.A.T. as David Cameron? I must be doing something wrong!” The large number of respondents taking the mickey must have warmed his bitter, insecure little soul. Twat!
Chris Grayling tweeted: “I was fully expecting to win the T.W.O.N.K. award today, never mind, can’t win them all!” Truly a Tory With Out Noticeable Knowledge. Twonk!
The last word goes to second-placed Michael Gove. “Normally, people just look at me and think, twat!” he said. “Always the twatsmaid, never the twat.”
David Cameron is the Tory Without A Thought. Probably in perpetuity. Twat!