The Tory leader of Windsor Council, Simon “the dud” Dude-lie, has introduced an enterprising initiative to tackle tax evasion amongst the areas pavement tax evaders.
“They are a plague,” the Dud told LCD Views, “it’s really embarrassing. Other counties don’t have the problem of wave after wave of people choosing homelessness as a commercially viable way to evade business rates and taxes. Any respectable tax evader uses an offshore protectorate.”
The Dud went on to suggest that a proposed charge on cardboard coffee cups should be expanded to all cardboard.
“That bit of cardboard that lazy bugger has chosen to use as a mattress, someone else paid VAT on that. This is a scandal. It’s basically theft and it’s very unsightly having such scam artists littering the area with their inhuman shapes. Especially the genuine homeless, although exceptionally rare, no tourist needs to see that.”
Other plans by ‘the Dud’ include expanding the spraying of pavements to get rid of discarded chewing gum. They’ll now get rid of discarded people too.
“If we buy water cannon we can go about pre-dawn and wash the undeserving poor off the streets. Imagine if we go as far as to enlarge the street drains? We can just wash them right into the gutter and gone.”
He’s a genius. Let’s hope his brain waves extend as far as the return of workhouses where voluntary homeless can be forced to rent commercial spaces and sub-contract the job of being homeless to orphans and can really turn a profit making matches.
LCD suggests the Dud is included on next year’s honours list for services to public awareness of just how deep the rot is.