Rumours are swirling about this morning that a room full of the biggest kids in the United Kingdom may soon be faced with a very difficult decision to prove just how much they’ve grown up lately.
“They’ve peed on all the toys,” our developmental correspondent says, “like, all the toys, everyone’s toys. An entire country worth of toys. Now they’ve done that they’ve started to worry they may get the blame for what they’ve done. So it’s decision time.”
It seems the decision is about how best to get away with what they’ve done.
“No one really wants to take responsibility. I don’t know how many bloody high energy drinks they’d gotten hold of before they went on the peeing party, but it must have been epic. A whole off licence worth is my guess.”
Couldn’t they just turn to the adults, confess, apologise, get a scolding and then ask for help to wash off everyone’s toys?
“Oh, you’re a comedian now are you? Have you seen they way they carry on when they’re together? There’s as much chance of that as the moon actually being made of cheese. No. They need to duck and cover or destroy the evidence.”
So what’s duck and cover?
“Ask the country if they want to wash the pee off their toys. Put it to the people. Pretend you don’t know how the toys got into the state they’re in, but offer to help with the clean up.”
And what’s destroying the evidence?
“Burning all the toys. Before anyone can see what they’re really up to. That way everyone will be too busy crying over the destruction of the things they love initially to hold the big kids to account. The big kids can scarper in that moment, mostly to non-exec boards on private companies or Nice. Or both.”
The big kids sound like they’ve still some growing up to do.