“I’m not into dog whistle politics, just to trigger the Tory voter base, and further my own leadership ambitions, by proving I can be well hard on the children of immigrants,” someone claiming to be Sajid Javid told LCD Views in an imagined conversation today,
“I’m perhaps just a brazen political opportunist, some may say, and I hope my stripping Jeremy Corbyn of his citizenship today displays that quality.”
But surely that’s not possible, as Mr Corbyn was born in Britain and has committed no crime?
”Oh, didn’t you hear we’ve made possession of books with red covers a crime on a par with treason. And besides, I reckon he has Russian citizenship. He’s fine. He can go to Moscow. He’s friends who know the city well enough.”
But doesn’t, arguably, abusing your office of state and its powers for political aims make our democracy less safe? Surely it’s the thin edge of the wedge? Who next?
”You! Ha! You’re next. You once wrote an article critical of Corbyn, after ninety nine bashing my government, so I figured, well, you criticise Corbyn 1% of the time, you’re clearly a paid up Tory shill and I should tell our social media arm to give you a payrise. But now I’m not so sure…”
Wait, the government has a social media arm? You could have fooled me!
”You’re only making it worse for yourself.”
So when are you announcing that you’ve done it? That you’ve taken citizenship off the leader of the official opposition purely out of political opportunism?
”The 23rd of March will do it.”
Why then?
”Because that’s when the next People’s Vote March is planned for London and you can guarantee the absolute boy will be overseas doing something worthy at the time.”
One more thing…
”Yes?”
You’re not really Sajid Javid are you?
”No. I’m a political leek.”