REFORM AWAY : FANTASTIC NEWS for Labour’s millions of wavering voters today with the announcement by Downing Street that PM Keir Starmer is to undergo a supervised medical procedure to alter his voice.
While many find his high pitched, nasal tones reminiscent of former PM contender Ed Miliband, but without the terrifying prospect of investment in public services, some are put off in a “Darwinian” sense.
“It’s about appealing to the base instincts,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “That’s how you win voters over. Not by providing GP services or stopping councils making bin collections optional. Ed never made it because insufficient voters believed he was the man to lead them into a fight with a bear. It was the voice. Oh, and there was a bacon sandwich and Nick Clegg being a bastard no one could trust the moment he was elected in 2010. But mostly it was the voice.”
The transition to a man who sounds like he could fight a bear will be closely supervised by experts.
“Some have told us that this is a waste of public money better spent paying water company bosses bonuses,” the spokesman ads, “but we believe the money that will be placed behind the bar at the Duck ‘n Skive will give Great Britain the leader it sent a clear signal last week it expects.”
The procedure itself is based on traditional English medicine.
“Endless pints of warm ale and millions of Rothmans. That should lower the PM’s voice a few octaves and give it that underlying deep and gruff feel on the ears that says you are safe with me in a bear fight.”
But critics have suggested the voice is not the problem, it’s the man’s inability to understand that simply screaming at the sea about refugees while large corporations continue to suck the life out of Blighty is the real issue. Oh, and being so chickenshit on Brexit it’s like their contending for the gold medal in political chickenshitness.
“That’s nonsense. The organising principle of British politics is xenophobia. It’s not boring stuff like well founded schools, accessible healthcare, battling profiteering, roads that work and not having to sell whatever you’ve accumulated through decades of hard work to ensure you can survive to die in retirement. It’s those bloody foreigners coming over here to wait for 8am and call the GP. Any idiot knows it. And right now Keir is any idiot.”