NOT WORTH THE PAPER IT’S WRITTEN UPON: Sir Keir Starmer has returned from a secret visit to the USA. He has met the President and returned, triumphant, to his adoring nation with the goodest news.
“This morning I had another little chat with Mr Trump, who is the bestest President forever and ever, amen,” declared Sir Keir, waving a piece of paper in the air. “He makes the most sense, in the sense of being sensible, sense and senility, common sense, he has the mostest common sense, and here is his signature, signed by himself on an official McDonald’s napkin. Friends, Britons, countrymen, look! I have the autograph of the McPresident himself!”
The crowd that formed around the TrumpAir jet (recently patched up following a mid-air prang) cheered. A mighty cheer, broadcast and amplified by the entirely neutered BBC, which mysteriously neglected to cover the enormous protests outside 10 Downing Street.
“That’s not even an official McDonald’s napkin,” grumbled a disgruntled observer disgruntledly. “I bet you fifty quid it’s a page torn from The Art of the Deal.”
“We have settled the Canada problem, and the Greenland problem,” continued the tinpot Chamberpot. “This, I believe, is the prelude to the posing and settling of the British problem, which will force the EU to acknowledge our primacy in the fight against wokeness everywhere. This is peace for our time. Now, scuttle off home, the lot of you, and go to bed!”
The Conservative Party refused to comment. “We won’t pass comment,” commented Conservative commentator Hipp O’Crite. “We cannot support Starmer, even though we support his actions completely. Mr…” He checked his notes. “Mrs… Ms… Damn these sodding pronouns… That Badenoch woman anyway, she assures me that she would have done things completely differently, and got his autograph on a Burger King napkin instead.”
There is no truth in the rumour that Mr Trump is considering a Polish problem.