GOT TO BASH AN IMMIGRANT OR TWO : Waves of relief today for Labour supporters with the revelation from 10 Downing Street that Prime Minister Keir Starmer is in a “coma”.
The fantastic news comes at just the right time. When Labour launched its latest immigrant bashing campaign yesterday, drawing inspiration from Nigel Farage’s 2016 Breaking Point poster, many had started to question if they actually knew who the man they voted to be PM was. But today oil has been poured on troubled waters (this is coincidentally what Labour will try in The English Channel next week in the hope small boats will slide back to France).
“It was getting pretty desperate,” one lifelong Labour voter told LCD Views. “We had the news that water bills were going up to subsidise the massive salaries of executives in structurally bankrupt privatised companies. Why not just renationalise them? We’ve had the increase in tuition fees, continuing a failed funding model that risks bankrupting one of our most important sectors. We’ve heard that nom-doms concerns had been listened to while pensioners are freezing. Well, we’ve heard a lot of things that raised eyebrows. Well beyond the excuse of compromises while governing. At least now we can make sense of things. Starmer has no idea what anyone is doing in his name. How could he? He’s in a coma.”
As and when the PM is expected to recover consciousness is not clear as the coma is reportedly “exceptionally deep”.
The UK’s citizens are however advised to “not worry about it” because next week the Labour’s Comms team will reveal plans for a reality TV show in which a Nigel Farage lookalike will host a competition between drowning refugees fighting over a life jacket.
“You know we’ll keep your borders secure,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman commented, “now if you don’t mind I have to roll the PM over so he doesn’t get bed sores.”