FOLLOW THE LEADER : You can’t be too careful when weighing up how much avoidable harm to do to your country in the hope of small electoral advantages, and no one knows that better than the current UK Government.
”The UK is the greatest country on earth,” the current UK PM will tell a rapt audience in Brussels later today, and then pause for applause.
”We are also incredibly modest and don’t like to browbeat our neighbours, and I will say it, friends, with the long established truth that we’re simply better than they are. We understand this makes it hard for them to give in to all of our demands. It’s simply embarrassing to be so close to such an exceptional country, but yet so far away. Today, we shall find a way to make it look like you are giving us what we demand. At least, that’s how it will look when we agree to a form of words that signifies better for the focus groups.”
The rigorous adherence to the Brexit policy of the preceding five Conservative prime ministers is anticipated to reassure the EU officials that it’s “steady as she goes” in Blighty.
“We do not negotiate with a hidden trick up our sleeves,” he will add, “even if we do have a Trump card.”
There will be another pause for applause from the captivated audience, before Mr Starmer will get to the central message.
”The easy thing to do would be to extol the obvious benefits of immigration from highly educated countries just a few miles away. To explain that the problems you maybe facing getting a GP appointment, or renting an affordable flat, were caused by incompetence at the highest levels of British leadership, but that would risk alienating one potential Reform voter in Tamworth. And like David Cameron before me, that is a risk I will not take with my party’s fortunes.”
We did ask a Brussels insider for comment, and received it.
”The ninth year of Brexit now?” he said. “You’re still too shy to admit it was a mistake as visible as Dover’s white cliffs? Not so much perfidious Albion these days, as stupidious! [snigger]. We will be here when you grow up. Now, if you don’t mind there’s a war on, and everyone is invited.”