MAKING PLANS FOR NIGEL: The phoney war has begun, and the biggest phoney of them all has just phoned in his candidacy. To counter his strangely attractive brand of unpleasantness, the other candidates have announced their counter-measure.
“The idea was simple,” said Clacton hopeful Sandie Beach. “Farage was beaten by a chap in a dolphin costume before. It can be done again!”
In fact, in an unusual display of cooperation, even the Conservative candidate has agreed to participate in the stunt. The opposition to Farage has dubbed itself the ‘Dolphin Alliance’.
“I had no chance of winning anyway,” said the Tory hopeless, Lurch Tudor-Wright. “So I may as well join in the fun and dress up with the others. These woke lefties aren’t a bad bunch, when you get to know them!”
All’s fair in love or war, it seems.
There is only one problem. The sea is now too dirty for real dolphins, or even cleansing Clacton’s unwashed urchins. All candidates have been warned to stay at least 100 metres from the sea front.
“We are going to have to pose in front of one of the boarded-up arcades instead,” said Beach sadly. “No chance of campaigning on the sandy shore, not that there’s much sand these days. We used to have a blue flag, now it’s brown. We can’t make any quips about a sea change. No jokes about swimming against the tide.”
Although a sea change is literally what Clacton* needs.
Tudor-Wright was sanguine. “Even I wouldn’t vote for the Tories,” he said sadly. “Although I might vote for a Tory prepared to dress up as a marine mammal for shits and giggles.”
There’s something distinctly fishy about the Dolphin Alliance. But will the stunt serve its porpoise? As for Nigel Farage, he can get in the sea.
*Other seaside resorts are available.