YOU’VE GOT TO BE IN IT TO WIN IT: The temporary Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, has made one last bold move. One of the subordinate woke backbenchers set up a sweepstake to predict the number of Portillo Moments in the upcoming General Election. Desperate for a win, any win, he has confidently chosen 50 Portillo Moments.
“That’s ridiculous,” said Michael Portillo, resplendent in lurid clashing colours, and clutching his trainspotter’s guide. “There was only one Portillo Moment, mine. My lasting claim to fame! Immortality – my greatest achievement.”
Sunak, who has never heard of Michael Portillo, and has done his best to wreck the national train set Portillo loves so dearly, still commented boldly.
“Portillo? Yes, well I suppose it’s appropriate, since the Party is going down the toilet,” he remarked in an unguarded moment. “What is a Portillo Moment anyway? Soiling oneself in public, is it not? That happens to the best of us!”
Sunak’s breezy optimism may be overstated. As usual. By the time the election rolls around, there may not be as many as 50 Tory MPs prepared to defend their seat remaining. Never mind the grandees. Already the rats are leaving the sinking ship.
Perhaps a better parallel would be the fate of David Mellor, one-time member for shagging dolly birds while wearing a Chelsea shirt. He accepted defeat in the gracious manner one might expect of 30p Lee Anderson, Jonathan Gullis, or Nigel Farage. There will likely be plenty of these.
“I suppose it’s a bit close to the bone,” admitted the organiser of the sweepstake, Kenny Cottonon. “Lots of us will be out of a job come July, so I didn’t expect anyone to actually participate. I’ve only had one entrant so far.”
It seems as if Sunak’s win is guaranteed. Unlike his chances in the General Election.