OPEN AND SHUT CASE : The UK’s last Conservative Prime Minister, Rishi “The Fish” Sunak, has been forced onto the back foot in his quest to remain the UK’s last Conservative Prime Minister.
“The drama centres around the PM’s seeming inability to understand he doesn’t already live in California,” our Westminster bubble insider reports.
”Mr Sunak has spent several months focused on blue sky thinking, dream palace building his future mansion home in California’s endless fantasy weather. He has so fully envisioned his next big step that when he stepped outside into the drenched UK faux spring he was mentally thousands of miles away.”
But when our reporter attempted to force his sources to explain why no one intervened to assist the drowning man, he was threatened with deportation to Rwanda.
”That’s a pretty idle threat, if I’m honest,” he tells us, “so I’m not worried. I will be happy to volunteer to go and come back like that other fellow. Although it does give some credence to rumours swirling around the Westminster plughole this morning. Speculation that could explain Sunak’s damp squib.”
All the umbrellas were deported to Rwanda?
”That’s correct. It was done to keep the overflowing suitcases of cash we’ve sent to Kigali for a few cheap dog whistling headlines in the fascist press dry in transit.”