I AM WHAT I AM: And there’s nothing anybody can do about it. It appears that the naggingly persistent news botherer Rishi Sunak has finally gone full Woke.
The acceptable face of the culture war has succumbed to pressure. He has come out of the closet at Number Ten and bowed to the inevitable.
“Friends, Rupert, countryside,” he said in his best speaking-in-front-of-the-class voice. “I have decided that the best thing for me is to come clean. From now on, I want to identify as a leading politician. No, in fact, I want to identify as the Prime Minister!”
Psychiatrist Edd Phukk was handily on hand to analyse this amazing disclosure. “I think Mr Sunak is suffering from PMS,” he said. “Prime Minister Syndrome. It used to be called SMS, Small Man Syndrome, but that got mixed up with text messaging. That’s a whole different sort of identification.”
The good doctor continued: “Good old SMS, when combined with a Napoleon complex, quickly becomes PMS. Frankly, it’s about the ego taking over. The highest echelons of English society are riddled with it.”
It remains to be seen if Sunak’s fresh identity is robust enough to deal with the UK’s problems. However, the rampant corruption that is baked into the system is unlikely to crumble in the face of one man’s self identity.
Sunak isn’t the first person to identify as a PM. After all, his four most recent predecessors were the same. For three of them, even the epitome of self identification, Boris Johnson, the fit passed. Theresa May is actually thinking of crossing the floor and identifying as a serious politician. Unfortunately, the insufferable Liz Truss is still suffering from PMS and wants to return to haunt the country once more.
The final word must go to a child who identifies as a hologram, simply to wind up his Headmistress. “What a Smeg head!” he concluded.