YOU AND WHOSE ARMY : The UK’s current inheritor of Churchill’s eternal power animal, Rishi Sunak, is set to reposition himself domestically to prove he’s the war leader Britain needs to be great in future conflicts.
It’s the best kept secret in the Westminster bubble that Mr Sunak is only respected to his face by people who hope to either fill or empty his bank accounts, but the umpteenth image refab will definitely provide the resurrection in polling the PM needs.
”We can’t have an election until Rishi is certain to win, so if you want an election you know what to do,” a spokesman for the little retrograde ruler told LCD Views, “you would have thought showing a bit of ankle, literally, to the public was enough, but the peasants are truly revolting.”
No one can say Mr Sunak isn’t a trier, so why not try the latest rebrand his team of well heeled freethinkers have hit on.
”Sun Tzunak has an appeal which we’re sure will resonaste with the voters,” the spokesman explained, “and see them returning to Rishi in droves.”
The catchy new handle was the result of a free association brainstorm session of the kind which has seen the PM make life as hard as possible for people less well off than the average voter.
”To be frank, punishing the vulnerable for a poll boost is getting a little tired, because we’ve created so many vulnerable people. So this is a reset to our reboot approach and a rebrand which will put a rocket under Rishi.”
Mr Sunak will record a hip and groovy series of short clips for social media to help spread the world that he’s now Sun Tzunak, a type of military superhero.
”Only Sun Tzunak can lead you to victory,” the spokesman adds, his life force draining away in real time, “and if you don’t believe us you’re a traitor who is undermining the country.”
Look out for the taxpayer funded videos on digital billboards in your area from tomorrow and see a giant sized Sun Tzunak pointing to the dangers of the future he’s helping to create, so he can be the one to save you.
And if this latest reset doesn’t shift the dial, what next?
”We’ll do something else,” the spokesman shrugged, “it’s not like we’ve anything pressing to do.”