FIRST PAST THE POST: The Grand National is always hard to predict, but this year an outstanding candidate has emerged. The scourge of more traditional nags, such as Blind Nationalism and R. Cuntry, Woke Hobby Horse is this year’s clear favourite.
Traditionalists are up in arms, naturally enough. Their stables have been churning out horses specifically bred to run one race and then be turned into luxury dog food. The real prize is the rosette which may be applied to the cans made from the victor, and the accompanying price hike.
“This cannot be allowed!” bellowed one such breeder, Bertie Burlington, from the posh stable chain Horsepitality. “It’s my turn to win this year!”
Burlington set out his stall, filled it with hay, and chomped for a few moments.
“This is a disgrace!” he said. “Where will it all end? Will they start to allow cars to compete? Or aeroplanes? It’s the thin end of the wedge, that’s what it is, we are led by donkeys, and the law’s an ass!”
None of this addresses the point that Burlington’s competition is actually another horse.
“Hobby horses!” he yelled, hay scattering willy-nilly. “Bloody children’s toys! I bet there’s some Olympic sprinter riding it!”
Horses are generally faster than humans, especially over the jumps.
“I bet it’s a bloody unicorn, then!” he raved, his fetlocks quivering. “I bet it’s rainbow coloured, like all this Woke rubbish! I bet it farts glitter! And that horn takes away all the excitement of winning by a nose! When is it all going to end?”
Sooner than you think. As we write, there are moves in Westminster to create an outright ban on Woke Hobby Horses. Unicorns, rainbows, glitter, and all the colourful Woke stuff is being banned, so that we can get our country back to the dull, drab, grey place it was before having fun was allowed.