FREUDIAN SLIP CONTENDER 2024 – The UK’s latest Prime Minister, Rishi “eat the poor” Sunak, has warned of the danger of re-electing his government to power. Whenever he deigns to call the general election.
In a surprisingly candid speech to the press the pint sized destroyer of the social contract displayed a hitherto unknown degree of self-awareness.
“If you just look at what we have achieved in fourteen years in power,” Mr Sunak said, “you wouldn’t want to risk another day of it. I know myself of the danger I represent to the UK’s hardworking taxpayers, mostly from my desire to transfer all their cash to my extended family’s bank accounts and then blame work-shy, middle aged cancer patients for the collapse of social services.”
Mr Sunak went onto elaborate further.
“I wouldn’t trust us with national security. We haven’t even released the report into Russian interference in the UK democratic process. I mean, have you seen Brexit? That’s a tough one for me. As a childhood devotee of the free market ideal of letting any old chancer pretend to be a medical practitioner, I find it hard to accept all my economic ideas are bogus. You could call me a political Peter Pan.”
Exactly when Mr Sunak will offer the UK to save itself from the Conservatives isn’t clear though.
“It’s amazing isn’t it?” Mr Sunak mused. “Even after I took a blowtorch to public health with my Eat Out To Help Out virus spreading scheme I was still allowed to be Prime Minister. I thank the Monarch for that personally. I do, constantly. Without a disinterested, democratically unaccountable head of state our parliamentary democracy would be in real danger of modernisation. And then where would the Cons be? Ha!”
“I mean things could be worse I suppose,” he pondered, “I could decide to pass a law saying I don’t have to call an election by January 2025. Although I better get a wriggle on! Considering I’m shedding MPs faster than small to medium businesses attempting to export to Europe.”
Mr Sunak got a glint in his eye at this point and added, “It could be worse. I could be Adidas. If Nike want me to destroy their brand cred too all they need to do is send my stylist a pair of Converse.”