THE SPAM IS CHURNING : Cosmic wonder and also apparently UK PM, Rishi “Infosys” Sunak is to take credit today for the stellar light show that lit up the skies of even southern England overnight.
”The plan is working,” he will tell a baffled Westminster bubble, “for too long Labour has betrayed the hardworking British people by standing in the way of the aurora borealis.”
The PM will say the dazzling haze which was visible in some areas of the capital could not have happened if he hadn’t taken such great strides to bring down inflation.
”The pandemic made it difficult to see the light. So too the war in Ukraine but by passing into law my new Great Light From My Arse Bill almost everyone can now see the Northern Lights.”
But not everyone is so keen to give credit to the PM. Defectors within the Conservative Party will point to the spreading of the northern lights to southern England as just another sign that levelling up is all about favouring the blue tinge in the south.
It’s not yet clear what position Labour will take on the PM’s claim but it is believed they will either say very little or promise to continue the aurora borealis when in government.
”Let’s be honest,” a spokesman for Starmer told LCD Views, “if promising to continue the policy will keep a few swing voters in Surrey we will do it. Otherwise for many on the NHS waiting lists the lights will be the last thing they’ll see.”
A largely unreported aspect of the event though will be the signing of contracts today with members of the PM’s extended family giving them billions to repeat the event at some yet unspecified future date.
”The details of the agreement are commercially sensitive,” the PM will say, “but I will stop at nothing to ensure that anyone receiving a state benefit has their eyes blindfolded before it happens again. The northern lights are for the hardworking taxpayer, not some middle aged layabout pretending to have cancer just to avoid working a zero hours contract for a multi-national conglomerate registered for tax purposes in Panama.”
Ignore the problems you’ve caused and take credit for things which have nothing to do with you. Perfect governance.
”By the way. I’m not Boris Johnson because I can comb my hair,” added Mr Sunak.