HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU: The shock news leaking from the ship of state is that there is no suitable heir apparent to Rishi Sunak. Obviously, the Tory top brass want to get rid of him, as they have to blame someone other than themselves and their party for the catastrophic election results. But there is no obvious candidate. Nor is there a totally not-obvious candidate. Therefore, all that is necessary is a placeholder while this government limps to its inevitable end.
“What we really want is a cross between Margaret Thatcher and Boris Johnson,” explained party analyst Evan Elpus. “A goofy yet charismatic joker with the conviction of the Iron Lady. So we asked Stanley Johnson to mate with Thatcher’s corpse, but surprisingly he refused. Now we are free from the wicked shackles of the EU, there should be no impediment to raising the dead or forcing known fornicators to impregnate them.”
Strong words. It is clear that, despite Johnson’s triumphant clean break from Brussels, its tentacles still pervade our Great British Reality.
Elpus described The Science needed to create the ideal leader.
“We therefore instructed our boffins to obtain both Thatcher and Johnson DNA and inject it into lard,” he said. “The basic ingredients: Iron, blond hair, and fat. We gave them a week, max, to create our Great British Leader, that should be more than enough. Instead the woke lefty leaning traitors told us it wasn’t either possible or morally desirable! Can you believe it? This is why the boats must be stopped.”
The logic is flawless, but still the facts remain: no Frankenstein leader.
“So we had to settle on just the tub of lard,” admitted Elpus. “It represents the ideal leader, therefore it must be the ideal leader until The Science catches up with our freedom and sovereignty.”
The latest polls show that the change of leader has inspired a ten point increase in the laughability index, but still no bloody chance in the general election.