MEANS TESTED MEANIE : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING PM, Rishi “The Hammer” Sunak, is not known for thinking long and hard about how to boost his dire polling. It comes as no surprise that his latest idea is as batshit crazy as his prized Rwanda scheme.
“People will say the Gold Law is just another dead cat,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “but there’s no table big enough to handle all the murdered felines we’re flinging about. No. We actually think banning people with insufficient personal wealth from owning gold will give us the polling boost we need to call a GE.”
Quite how well the ban on gold will go down with the Great British public isn’t clear, as the idea has been dreamt up by the eyewateringly wealthy team in 10 Downing Street who can’t even use a debit card.
“It’s an aspirational change to the way the country is governed,” the spokesman adds. “If you want to wear a gold wedding band then you have to improve your station. What’s wrong with that? The Rwanda scheme has shown we’re tough on asylum seeking if not the causes of it, raising taxes while saying we’re doing the opposite demonstrates we’re a traditional Con government, so why not have a fiddle about with wearable signs of status?”
It’s not yet clear what stance Labour will take on the new Gold Law though. Some suspect they’ll just agree with 10 Downing Street, because that’s what they do on any hair brained wheeze which comes out of it.
“It’s good they agree with the government,” a pollster commented, “it shows they understand that to win you have to be popular, not principled. You start confusing the voting public with headline policies based in provable reality you just feed Farage and his kind.”
How much people will be compensated for their gold is yet to be determined. But it’s expected most will just hand it over for the good of the country.
“Anyone caught eating their wedding band in an attempt to hide it won’t be facing goal time,” Downing Street advised, “because there’s not enough spaces. But you will be expected to spend the weekend with Lee Anderson and Suella Braverman. That should do it. And if you eat a lot of gold then you’ll have to listen to Liz Truss in person for a week.”
Full compliance is expected.