LOSING YOUR MARBLES: Former Prone Monster Boris Johnsons has given his view on the row over the Elgin Marbles. In his usual diplomatic way, he has offered them in a game of winner takes all.
“If the Greek PM wants the Marbles, he’s going to have to bally well win the buggers back!” blustered Johnson in his usual measured manner. “He can come over here and we will have a jolly good game of Elgin Marbles! I was World Champion Chief Marbles Wrangler in my lower fourth days, I’ll have you know, yes indeed, erm, well, they called me Quod Effat Demon-Stacker, when I wasn’t winning at wiff-waff!”
The office of the Greek PM has issued a statement in response. “Mr Mitsotakis will not be taking up Mr Johnson’s challenge,” it reads. “We Greeks prefer to negotiate like adults, not indulge in playground competitions. However, we feel duty bound to point out that Mr Mitsotakis is an expert in the ancient art of playing marbles, so Mr Johnson can stick his infantile challenge up his great fat…”
The remainder of the statement was redacted.
The current incumbent at Number Ten was, allegedly, sanguine. “Nobody in the current administration thinks that Mr Johnson has any part to play in the current state of affairs,” said a spokeswonk. “Mr Sunak is desperate to hold on to his tenure for as long as possible, so he doesn’t want to risk being involved with Mr Johnson any more. Mr Sunak believes that Mr Johnson is being childish for the attention, and wishes to remind him that we won, you lost, so suck it up, loser-boy, get over it, and yar boo sucks!”
We can learn a lot about history from old statues. The Marbles were hacked away from their original location, subjected to rough transit, Victorian pollution, and clumsy attempts to launder them. It’s how Britain became Great.