THE LORD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES : The UK’s latest Secretary of State, Lord Barrowball Furness, has taken steps today to advise “living and breathing Britons” on how best they can help themselves through the current cost of living crisis.
“The beatings will continue until moral improves,” Lord Furness of Spite told the media, and laughed disarmingly. “We here at the newly established Ministry of Economic Death want Britons to know that if you help yourself during the cost of living crisis we will help you. While we can’t shield you totally from the crisis caused by the next Labour government, we will do what we can in an era of necessary austerity.”
The help appears to be innovative too.
“We know some of you are sitting on two perfectly good kidneys. A fat liver. Two functioning lungs and so on. Two fine retinas. If you already have an organ donor card than you’ve made the psychological step required to prosper in Britannia Unchained.”
To this end the Ministry of Death is setting up a digital exchange where ordinary, hardworking Britons can “sell or barter spare organs”.
“There is no concern over the legality of the new measures. The organ exchanges will be based in Charter Cities and you can just hop on a rail replacement bus service and take yourself, and that profitable organ, to the nearest private hospital and get money on the nail. Your rising mortgage repayments will seem trivial next to the payment for a kidney. Just look after your health and the remaining one will see you through.”
To access the newest free market all you will need to do is download the app.
“Download Great British Organs today. Consider how you may profit personally and literally by giving a fellow patriot a helping hand. Wait. Did I say giving? I meant selling. This is what freedom is all about free of the shackles of the sclerotic EU. Sell yourself out today. I know I have and boy is it profitable.”