THE MIDAS TOUCH : THE UK’S CURRENT PRIME MINISTER, LIZ TRUSS, WILL DEMONSTRATE SHE FULLY EMBODIES MODERN CONSERVATIVE PARTY VALUES WITH A SPEECH AT THE OPENING OF A MAJOR NEW, AND COMPLETELY IMAGINARY FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS ARTICLE, FOOD BANK.
The speech is aimed at reassuring hardworking voters that “Liz is on their side” and, will take place at the ribbon cutting ceremony of South-east Norfolks biggest food bank to date. The bank itself has been called the “Uplifting Food Bank” in a nod of thanks to Business Secretary Jacob Rees-mogg.
Saving Christmas has become a preoccupation for Conservative Prime Ministers in recent years, largely due to the fact they spend most of the year threatening it with terrible policy choices.
“Liz will tell the deserving poor, specially bussed in for the opening of Uplifting, that she is there to help,” a source inside No 10 told LCD Views. “She’s taking the time out of her business Instagram schedule to cut the ribbon herself. And yes the ribbon is red, white and blue.”
Why Christmas needs saving this year is painfully obvious.
“Many people will be looking at this Christmas soon and wondering how the hell they’ll afford it now their fixed rate mortgage has come up for renewal?” the source explains. “What with the additional costs of importing and exporting due to intransigence in Brussels and the last Labour government. The hangover from the pandemic. The energy price crisis and now Kwasi’s mortgage rate fiasco, it will look a little darker than usual. But rising interest rates in response to global shocks and flawed policy making is just sensible fiscal management. Otherwise you have to admit that all you’ve done in government since 2010 is fuck everything up to please a bunch of crazed ideologues. Ordinary Britons have got to pay their share to keep high profits. And yes, if that means borrowing billions to fund tax cuts for the wealthiest, so be it. It’s a price we’re willing for you to pay.”
Ms Truss’s Christmas saving will be completely aligned with how she’s begun her premiership.
“She’ll make sure no millionaire goes without this year,” the source beams. “Then Christmas will trickle down to the poor. You just wait and see. By Christmas 2024 everyone will be enjoying the leftovers of Christmas 2022. In this way we expect them to be inspired to become millionaires too.”