I KNOW MY PLACE: Energy company shareholders are demanding a bit more respect for their investment. No more simple raising of the price caps, that almost implies some kind of Woke equality. No, in future the cap must be doffed.
Forget the culture war, we are well into reasserting the traditional English class strictures. Or structures. The idle rich, with vast amounts of money and favours to bestow, must be regarded as demi-gods. Access to their benevolence may only come through worship. Only when a supplicant has grovelled, bowed and scraped, and relinquished all rights to property and humanity, will the demi-god consider the fact of their existence, and the possible usefulness of said supplicant to muck out his vast, centrally heated stables.
And so it is with energy bills. We, as lower orders, must happily pay whatever charges are demanded. Furthermore, we must write thank you notes to the benevolent capitalists whose munificence ensures continuity of supply. And if the charges are too high, well then, that is not the fault of the capitalists. Why don’t you dig your own oil well? Install your own wind turbine? You failed to take personal responsibility, and now you must face the consequences. Work harder! There are plenty of underpaid jobs out there. Sell your internal organs, or your children. They are, after all, merely assets to be bought and sold.
Doff your cap to your superiors. No cap? We will sell you one (price: one kidney). Oh, and make sure you wash. No water? Can’t afford it? Why didn’t you dig your own well? Use the river, it’s already full of your own filth.
OFGEM must be reminded who they work for. Pick the right side, for once. You work for the shareholders, who are the only tenuous protection for your very existence. Raise your cap. Raise it again. No, make sure you doff your cap. Be grateful to be allowed to maintain the illusions of democracy and consumer protection.
And don’t forget to curtsey as you freeze to death.