We must all take personal responsibility for the cost of living, says MP who gets his paid on expenses

WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER: A Tory MP has advised his constituents that we must all tighten our belts because of the rocketing price of living. Which simultaneously has nothing to do with inflation.

“Everyone must do their bit,” said Bill Quarterly, MP for Grifter-on-the-Take. “We must all work a few more hours. We must all make sacrifices. Just think of the poor billionaires, desperately eking out an existence before their next dividend rolls in!”

And of course it’s the price rises which pay for those precious dividends. But there are other more pressing matters at hand.

“I personally am almost destitute,” claimed Quarterly, quaffing on vintage champagne. “I’m down to my last 20 rental properties, and unpaid rents are rising alarmingly. Eviction notices don’t come cheap!”

At least he will be lucky enough to be able to pay his bills when they land, heavily, on one of his front door mats.

“Fortunately I can claim it on expenses,” said Quarterly complacently. “Isn’t that what everyone does? I mean, the prices are off the blooming scale!”

What’s the solution to all our problems?

“Everyone needs to work harder so they pay more tax so I can claim my expenses,” he said. “And take a pay cut to stop inflation. Then tax cuts for the most deserving, as accurately measured by their net wealth.”

Ultimately if nothing is done, there will be wide scale poverty and homelessness. The rich will have squeezed the rest of the population dry. What then?

“Simple, we do nothing. There is no such thing as society, unless it can be monetised and sold,” he claimed. “Our great plan is nearing fruition, to privatise society itself! We will return to the good old days of Norman the Conqueror!”

Charter cities. Charter villages. Charter people. Most of us will have no assets left, will not be able to sell our labour, and will be forced to throw ourselves on the mercy of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

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