THEY DARE NOT SPEAK HER NAME : NEWS FROM THE UNDERWORLD TODAY after the ghost of Margaret Thatcher reached out from beyond the grave to seek assistance. The surprising call for help is reported to have occurred during a local Conservative Party seance.
“We were having our usual Sunday church service,” Mr T. Gammon, head of the Scrupoor Conservative Association told LCD Views. “You know, we sacrifice some puppies stolen from a slum. We don’t even want to sacrifice puppies but the bleeding hearts stop us taking children. It’s not like the good old days when Britain was respected. Before the last Labour government ruined our reputation. Anyway. It was business as usual early Sunday morning. We smeared ourselves in the puppy blood, asked the Dark Lord to lower our taxes to the point where state schools are so underfunded by default they adopt the user pays class structure, and low and beyond the ouija board nearly lost its mind.”
Mr. Gammon reveals that the pointer on the board flew about the letters just repeatedly spelling “HELP ME!”.
“Of course our first instinct was to say no. If you can’t help yourself it’s no point being a layabout, work shy, woke drain on society. Honest, hardworking Britons tax money is needed for PPE fraud. Anyways, Mrs. Gammon let her curiosity get the better of her and asked who needed help? Just in case it was a US private health conglomerate looking for another chunk of the NHS. That’s when we discovered it was our Margaret, hallowed be her name, even though she burns in Hell.”
The help required was stated as an exorcism.
“Apparently she can’t get a moment’s rest. That in itself is not surprising as she’s constantly spinning in her grave, but it’s become increasingly difficult to do even that because she’s been possessed by Liz Truss.”
The Scrupoor Conservative Association is planning a cake sale to raise the funds required to hire an exorcist. Union Flag bunting for the service will be provided by local residents.
“It’s a bit of a stretch but we have to try. Liz is cosplaying Thatcher so hard now there’s a risk poor Margaret will have to go from the seventh to the eighth ring of Hell just to get some peace and quiet. But even then I doubt she’d be safe from Truss’s Instagram account. We’d ask Heaven to help us, but they don’t take our calls.”