PATRIOTIC PM REBOOTS : The UK’s beleaguered Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, is all set for a comeback this week with a series of unique and exciting policy announcements.
Surprisingly, there is little detail accompanying the new raft of policies, but that won’t stop Mr Johnson and his servile Cabinet from announcing them.
“People will soon forget them anyway,” a Cabinet insider told LCD Views. “The main aim is to highlight how great tomorrow will be under Mr Johnson’s leadership, not to actually do anything. People have other matters to worry about day by day. Like food. Let’s give them something to hope for in the future. Always in the future. It’s just sensible governance. This leaves us free to beg donors for cash in exchange for nothing whatsoever. The Mother of Parliaments! Ha!”
And it seems that the Johnson team have learned from earlier mistakes and won’t be repeating them.
“We won’t be putting numbers on things. Like the doomed 40 new hospitals business. We should just have said new hospitals. Rookie error. Don’t want the Health Secretary having to run around declaring GP surgeries hospitals again. Someone might notice we never actually build anything. These policies will be more along cultural lines. As that’s what’s important to the public.”
The most eye-catching of them appears to be an order for all UK schools to rename classes after famous French military defeats.
“This will have Macron quaking in his boots. Imagine the look on his face when he’s just unbuttoned his top to expose his chest hair and hears that a year two class in Phuck-on-Woe in the shires has changed its name from Poplar to The Battle of Crécy? Sacre blower! Ha! We’re even considering renaming Downing Street to Waterloo Street, if the EU don’t buckle under in the NI Ireland negotiations.”
Supporters of the government have taken to social media to produce surprisingly similar posts in support of the initiative, stating it shows the outward looking focus of Brexit Britain.
“Mr Johnson is getting on with the job of government,” the insider adds, “rebuilding the faith the British people broke with him when they maligned him for partying as their relatives died in isolation. He’ll soon have them all eating out of his hand again, and forgive them. It’s his right to be their PM, not a privilege, and everyone needs to understand it.”