Brexit benefit! We can now produce coins with the Queen’s head on them for the Jubilee, says Tory MP

HEADS YOU WIN, TAILS YOU WIN TOO: The wicked EU banned us from showing our monarch’s head on coins, claims a prominent Tory MP. This has now changed after Brexit. This is obviously sovereignty in action. 

“And just in time for the Jubilee!” crowed Rose Tinted, the MP for Bunting-in-the-Highstreet. “It’s time we got our money back! No meddling bureaucrat can ever tell us who to put on our coins again.” 

This is an example, she claimed, of acting on the People’s Priorities. 

“Every day on the doorstep, someone will always ask, when can we have the Queen’s head back on our coins?” she claimed implausibly. “But Partygate, I say. The cost of living, I say. No, no, no, the reply comes, we’ve moved on. We want our pride in the pound back. This is the message I receive from my focus group – did I say that? – I mean, from my public, on a daily basis.” 

Tinted refused to accept the fact that British coinage has always had the monarch’s face on the obverse. 

“I don’t recognise that statement,” she said. “It’s about time that we got on with the job of minting and selling commemorative groats with the Queen’s head on them. Only 50 quid each, it’s a bargain, and every household in the country must buy one!” 

It’s incredibly patriotic to produce actual metal discs, made to resemble obsolete currency, with an image of an old lady on one side. This is why we had to Brexit. But when all is said and done, making commemorative tokens because a woman has been in her job for 70 years does not justify an enormous constitutional change. 

“It’s just biased remoaners talking the country down again,” snarled Tinted. “It’s the f*#king Jubilee. Here, wave a little flag and get over it!”

Special Jubilee offer: anyone able to calculate how many Groats to the Guinea without googling will win a very lovely prize!*

*This is Brexit Britain. No you won’t. 

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