A PATRIOTIC PINT OF SUPER PLEASE : 10 Downing Street has allegedly taken some time out today from phoning backbench Tory MPs to threaten them for failing to support the PM, to focus on the cost of living crisis.
The inability to stop the cost of basic necessities rising to aspirational levels is clearly unrelated to any decision made by the ruling Tories, and definitely nothing to do with Brexit.
“Free trade deals with Mars and Jupiter will solve the minor impact of erecting trade barriers with all our former major trading partners,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. ”Brexit is not to blame and a memorandum of understanding with Saturn’s rings will see a dramatic fall in the cost of everyday goods just as soon as a colony is established on them in 2604.”
But Downing Street is impatient for faster gains and so is acting now.
“The growth of the bunting and flag sectors has now been maximised by placing crowns on pint glasses. This is the way we will demonstrate the tangible benefits of Brexit. But it’s not just by taking actions we could have taken as part of the EU. We will smash safety and employment standards, and top that off by making the eyewatering cost of fuel an almost sexual experience for all patriots.”
While the full details are still to be worked out it’s believed the major excitement copies what has happened with pints.
“Just imagine how engorged you’ll feel when you see a crown symbol on the petrol pump as you empty your weekly wad into your car? And there is nothing Brussels can do to stop us feeling completely screwed afterwards!”