RIP IT UP AND START AGAIN: Freedom from the rules and order of the EU has given the UK a fantastic opportunity, declares Boris Johnson. We can raise standards even higher by ripping up the ministerial code.
This Brexit Opportunity is so glaringly obvious, that even the Brexit Opportunities Minister, Jacob Rees-Mogg, didn’t spot it.
It’s not even the first time this method has been used. The only reason that we can’t hear the sound of all our laws being torn to pieces is that the noise from the non-stop Downing Street party drowns it out.
In fact, the only thing in Westminster being shredded faster than evidence of Boris Johnson’s misdemeanours is what’s left of the UK’s reputation.
“We are levelling up standards!” blurted the PM, brandishing an empty wine glass. “Captain Boring Old Rules, you know, what’s his name, that lawyer chappie, yes, no, yes, Sir Fire Starter, twisted fire starter, he would have us shackled to common decency for ever!”
He burped loudly. “Jeeves! I need a top-up!” He waggled the wine glass impatiently while a flunky tried to refill it. “I’m at work, you know. Hurry up!”
He drained the glass and Jeeves automatically refilled it. “That’s better. Now go!” he bawled. “Veni, vidi, vino, that’s my blotto motto. Wiff waff. Every day’s a Friday!”
He waved a crumpled bit of wine-stained paper in the air, like a drunken parody of Neville Chamberlain. “I have here in my hand an assurance from the Standards Committee that they won’t complain that they weren’t invited to the party – I mean the work event, obviously. The new code *belch* will stop the interfering nosy busybodies from investigating me at every turn, so, erm, so what? So sorry, I’ve lost my thread, like Ariadne, now she was a fine filly, phwoarrr, let’s get on the job! I mean, let’s get on WITH the job!”
He stumbled offstage, and the party continued backstage.