WASTE NOT WANT NOT : 10 Downing Street is said to have emerged from its bunker this morning to charge headfirst at the cost of living crisis and win back the hearts of the people.
“Clearly the PM is not leading the charge as it’s too early in the day,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but some SPADS and a few random backbenchers are gung ho and have gone over the top. They’ll be into the enemy trenches by lunchtime and you won’t hear the deafening sound of empty plates in the homes of the poor by the evening, anymore!”
The news will encourage millions who are realising that it won’t be a choice between heating or eating soon, as they won’t be able to afford either.
“The main strategic thrust is to call in the army,” the source explains. “This has worked for every weird crisis afflicting the country since Brexit got done. But none of these crises are in anyway related to getting Brexit done. Let’s just be clear about that.”
Under the scheme specially recruited private sector goons will coordinate with the Home Office and the MOD to locate and isolate anyone poor who is spending more than 30p on a single serving of a meal.
“We can’t have poor people just wasting their hard earned money on food,” the source enthuses. “That’s for Tory MPs to do in the subsidised bars and restaurants of Westminster.”
“Just picture it now, some single mother of three who should be celebrating the demonisation of asylum seekers who have come to steal whatever she has left in her larder, who is instead bemoaning the fact she can’t feed her family on dust? Well! Just imagine the look on her face with a crack squad of army cooks appear at her front door and put a bag over her head. The look of surprise on her face when she finds herself standing in a mess tent on the nearest Common will be priceless, just like everyday supplies in the supermarket.”
The operation to re-educate wasteful, layabout poor people has been named Operation Anderson after the Tory MP who inspired the initiative.
Hungry Britons can rest assured that with only the brightest and the best chosen to stand as Tory MPs their incomprehensible ignorance of budget living will soon be a thing of the past.
“Furthermore, this initiative shows the level of aspiration Boris Johnson’s government has for all of you now. Mud. If you can’t make a roast meal out of cheap, readily available soil then you’re letting Britain down and you’ll have the British Army to deal with!”