THE MIDAS TOUCH : BRITAIN’S most successful bullshitter and also its Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has spoken to the Conservative Party’s MPs this weekend to fill them with “vim and vigour” ahead of the local elections next month.
It’s widely expected that the governing party may pay a price for twelve years of ruining the country in the service of greed and flawed ideology, but not if Boris can do something about it.
The decision to journey to the Underworld was thought to have been inspired by Mr Johnson’s vague recollections of the Classics he studied at university, even if most of his energy at the time was dedicated to shaming oiks who got into Oxford on scholarships.
“It will be like Eurydice and Orpheus,” he told the captured audience. “Or rather Rydice and Boris as the EU has nothing to do with it!”
It’s not yet known how he convinced the Gods to allow him to enter Hades on his quest or which Tory donor paid the Ferryman to allow him to make the passage. Focus has turned to domestic donors after the Ferryman announced he was no longer taking payment in roubles.
But unlike the famed and tragic Greek hero of myth Mr Johnson is not anticipating any perverse conditions placed on his quest to lead Mrs Thatcher away from death and back to life.
“The Gods of the Underworld can’t wait to get rid of her,” an insider told LCD Views. “She keeps attempting to sell off the infrastructure to private interests and banging on about how her father had a shop.”
If Mr Johnson is successful he plans to undertake a national tour with the reanimated Goddess of the Tory Party to revive its electoral prospects.
“We can’t keep on promising a lovely day tomorrow when it’s clear all we do is ruin the place,” one Tory MP commented. “But bringing back Thatcher? That will perfectly complete the rehash of the 70’s were currently overseeing. She’s the right figurehead to oversee the response to the coming food riots.”