A VERY BRITISH MEAL : The outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson has given a press interview to celebrate getting the hell out of the country.
Speaking to the media today he said he wanted to draw a line under Partygate because he was “bored” of “commoners” mentioning how their loved ones died alone while he got smashed at a “work party”. He said he was focused now on fulfilling the promise of Brexit and “delivering cannibalism to the entire United Kingdom”.
The prospect of cannibalism has long enthused his party’s MPs who now see ripping the public off as tiresome because “There is no challenge in it anymore. Once you get away with lying to the Queen and remain in office you really need a bigger hit”.
Mr Johnson said he was proud of the steps taken already to achieve cannibalism and rising living costs were just part of his plan to have Britons eat each other “alive preferably” while he watches, but frozen solid in the depths of winter would also present “a unique opportunity to stick it up the French who think they know all there is about cooking”.
Quite when cannibalism will be achieved wasn’t said because that would be to contradict the Prime Minister’s standard way of going about business.
“You always promise a brighter day tomorrow regardless of the catastrophe you have made of today,” Mr Johnson said. “And the cooking fires of Britain will be exceptionally bright once we harness the wood of the commons and consume one another in the greatest show of solidarity and Great British can do seen since the end of WW2”.
TO achieve this fire lit upland all the British public have to do is continue to allow the Tories to pursue the insane policies they have since returning to office in 2010.
“We don’t have a clue about running a country,” Mr Johnson admitted. “But we don’t have to. That’s what the tabloids are for.”
For her part the Home Secretary is said to be “wet with anticipation” and “smacking her chops” at the chance to eat children as opposed to just impoverish them. Believing additionally that if the UK gains a reputation as a land eating itself alive it will finally deal a death blow to the problem of people wanting to come and make a live for themselves on Blighty.
Bon appetit.