BREAKING : PM to appear on new postage stamps showing defiance to lockdown laws during pandemic

PARTY LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW : THE UK’S LAW BREAKING PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, is to appear on a set of new postage stamps to be (forcibly) issued by the Royal Mail, an unreliable and invented source claims.

The stamps are aimed at capitalising on the PM’s “staying power” in No 10 and his “easy attitude to lawbreaking in high office”. It’s thought they will also really show the “plebs who is boss” ahead of the May local elections.

But controversy is set to accompany the release of the stamps as the Queen’s head will be replaced by Carrie Johnson’s in the top corner.

“Boris lied to the Queen and stayed in power. Carrie went from mistress to girlfriend to wife in the blink of an eye. Who would have thought a young lady that was present at the launch of the Conservative Friends of Russia group would have risen so high and so fast? It’s right she features in a symbolic way.”

The cost of the new stamps will also be novel with the usual pounds and pence value replaced by a broken heart to symbolise the people who were dying of the virus while the PM and mates held their parties.

“It’s likely the stamps will be issued free of charge,” the source adds. “The British people have already paid a high price for them.”

On a happier note though the stamps will mark a return to traditional British postage.

“It will only be possible to affix these stamps to an envelope or parcel by licking the backside,” the source informs. “There won’t be any of that newfangled ready glue on the back of them that is activated simply by removing the backing paper. You’ll literally have to lick Johnson’s backside to use the stamps.”

It’s believed the stamps will be intensely popular among Tory MPs and other “arselickers” who keep Johnson in power no matter how egregiously he undermines the rule of law, representative democracy and the UK’s international standing.

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