SCHOOL OF LIFE : Little LUCILLE McTAGGART, 4, is to start school today in what is seen as heralding a “new age” in the history of the Dover Lorry Queue.
Lucille’s parents, Barb and Barry “Bazz” McTaggart, met in the early stages of the endless traffic jam and say they “bonded immediately over the tangible benefits of Brexit”. While some have decried the ending of seamless trade with continental Europe, in preference for the pursuit of the fantasy trade deal with Somewhere championed by the UK’s biggest Instagram star, Liz Truss, Barb and Bazz won’t hear a word against it.
“If it wasn’t for the self-defeating and cretinous decision to Brexit our little angel wouldn’t have been born in the first place,” Barb told LCD Views. “From the moment Bazz showed me his mobile phone data allowance and offered to let me keep warm in his cab binging on Netflix, while we waited for our paperwork to be checked by the single UK Custom’s officer hired to deal with Brexit completed his training, I knew something special had begun.”
It seems the pair initially watched the entirety of German dystopian sci-fi thriller ‘Dark’ before moving onto classic American output ‘The Tiger King’ when they realised “just outside Dover is where we live now.”
Their trucks were eventually welded together to create a two-story townhouse with both cabs facing in opposite directions in homage to the ‘push me pull you’ llamas that feature in Doctor Doolittle – “the first film we watched while waiting for clearance to board a ferry that never sailed. But that’s okay because the oil tanker of love had already pulled into port. All aboard!”
“We hope Lucille will be the first child to graduate from University in the Dover truck queue,” Bazz added, “I would once have thought I’d have wanted any child of mine to join me in the freight business, but thanks to Boris Johnson that’s a fucking shambles.”
We did ask Lucille for comment over her feelings on starting school but all she did was roll up her sleeve and show us a tattoo of a love heart that contained the words “Mum and Dad” before changing the family home’s oil, and siphoning off some diesel fuel from her neighbours.
“She’s a cheeky one,” Barb admits, “but you’ve got to make your own fun in Brexitannia. Not many children get to grow up knowing they’re only alive because of the overwhelming idiocy of 52% of the UK voting population on one day during which social media manipulation, electoral fraud, outside interference, Empire nostalgia, racism, the horse shoe of delusional far left and far right political leadership, and catastrophic economic illiteracy by Tory MPs like Sunak and Redwood came together to make a Kremlin bankrolled, frog faced fucktard’s dreams of national isolation come true, but Lucille McTaggart is one.”