RESIGNED TO HIS FATE: Boris Johnson is today’s Cnut. He stands proudly on the red, white and blue sands, holding up his hand in a futile gesture to command the tide. The waves are coming up the beach. They are round Boris Johnson’s ankles and rising swiftly.
“Nothing to see here,” he assures us, lashing out defensively. “I am secure, feet on solid ground, the tide is turning, no no no! don’t look at the water!, cogito ergo sum, erm, vaccines!! Wiff waff! Have you met my new bezzy mate Zelensky yet?”
We have absolute proof, as if it were needed, of Prime Ministerial fibbing. Both Johnson and Wishy Washy Rishi Sunak have been fined for attending illegal parties that, according to both, never happened.
Obviously this is a resigning offence for both. But Johnson has his excuses ready, if nothing else.
“If I was at these parties, which I wasn’t, as they didn’t happen, and were work meetings with booze, karaoke and disco, which I knew nothing about, even though I was there, IN A SUIT BECAUSE I WAS WORKING, and it’s all a complete fiction anyway, what do the police know, they’re only experts after all, then obviously I would have to resign, but I won’t, because I wasn’t even there, and it’s all the fault of the last Labour government, and it’s not fair!” he waffled.
He recovered himself slightly, shifting unsteadily as the waters approached his waist.
“I’m sorry if anyone feels that I’ve done anything wrong,” he continued. “I’ve said what has to be said, there will be no resignations, well Rishi will have to go, of course, but for myself, I’m only resigning in a specific and limited way. By which I mean, it’s time to move on, I’m still Prime Minister, and nobody can stop me!”
The rest of his speech was lost as he disappeared below the briny waters.