HOT AIR IN SURPLUS : BRITAIN’S WORLD LEADING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is under pressure to do more to combat the UK’s cost of living increases.
It’s believed the fact that he “just begs donors to pay for all of his stuff” has led him to see food banks and energy poverty as “hilarious”, but that maybe insufficient to combat a drop in his personal polling.
“Clearly all he needs to do now is prominently pretend to be teaching Zelensky how to beat Putin,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s beaten the pandemic by ignoring it. It took a while for that plan to come to fruition but it has. He’s solved Brexit by ignoring it, thanked massively by the UK media and official opposition who can’t even speak about its negative consequences for fear of erupting in flames. But what to do about the insane inflationary pressures affecting voters?”
Lie about it.
“He’s falling back on his classic political strategy,” the source confirms. “If you can’t ignore it then you lie about it. The voters will lap it up and ask for more.”
Whether or not just lying will be sufficient as voters try and decide if their cat is now a luxury item is anyone’s guess, but Britain can be grateful to have a PM willing to “give it a go”.
“The real danger is a temporary cessation of insanity in the global news cycle,” the insider adds. “At the moment old Bojo can latch onto any number of nutters to deflect from being a wrecking ball through the UK economy and living standards. But if things settle down for a bit and domestic news gets to grab the headlines with both hands, well, all his years of training will be put to the test.”
But Downing Street is not idle in the face of the coming storm.
“He’s set up a working party to decide if it’s feasible to blame Brussels for the food riots expected later in the summer,” the source says, “which of course it is. If they’d never forced us into Brexit we wouldn’t be having such a deep labour crisis twinned with massive increases in admin costs to import and export. Whatever an export is.”