STARING INTO THE SHADED POOL OF WATER AND FALLING IN LOVE : THE UK’S RICHEST CHANCELLOR EVER, RISHI SUNAK, has made moves to combat the reputation he is gaining that he knows nothing of what it is like for “real people”.
“It’s total bollocks, baby,” Rishi Sunak said in a pre-recorded video released to the press, noteworthy for the quality of the camera angles and lighting. In particular the way the light brushes the heavy grip gel holding his hair in just the right curve. “My professional photographers are real people. Totally. Not one android among them.”
The video will cause waves next door in 10 Downing Street though where a bloated whale carcass floats aimlessly on the tide of history wondering who will be first to carve him up. It is also thought to have worsened an already tense relationship with Foreign Secretary Liz Truss.
“Those two have been at daggers drawn since Sunak allegedly paid well over the odds for the services of Ms Truss’s social media account manager. You can’t just poach each other’s staff like that, even if the public is footing the bill.”
In spite of the squabbling amongst the cabinet ministers the real concern for the public will be the cost of living crisis.
“It’s going to get a lot worse but Sunak will do something about it,” a source inside the Exchequer tells LCD Views. “He’s pledging millions to ensure his makeover and photography team have the tools needed to present him as a stylish friend of the plebs. And you can expect some eye catching gimmicks too. Remember Eat Out to Help Out? You know the scheme to pay people to catch a deadly virus while eating some piri-piri chicken? The next scheme will be more cannibalism focused to reflect the catastrophic impact of 12 years of Tory mismanagement of the country and its vital infrastructure.”
But Sunak won’t have it all his own way, he can expect protests even as he vaguely tries to pretend to care about whether or not people are hungry.
“Some union leaders are planning to go on breathless rants on Radio 4 to show how heavy the opposition is,” the source notes. “This is to follow up their support of Brexit. The UK is world leading in the vibrancy and calibre of its political classes. Just look about you.”