WHAT IS THE POINT: The UK has taken back control of its borders. Even the one across Ireland. They did this by copying and pasting a points based system developed by unelected bureaucrats on the opposite side of the globe.
This means you can only get into the UK if certain conditions are met. It’s like collecting Nectar points in order to buy a Rolls-Royce.
It’s the ultimate loyalty card scheme. You earn points by purchasing British goods, by waving British Union Jacks, by disseminating gushing support of Boris Johnson indiscriminately across all social media platforms. Once you have accumulated enough points (this can take several lifetimes), then you are entitled to join the Visa Lottery. If you win this – at the incredibly favourable odds of 14,000,000-1 against, then you may apply for a Blue British Passport.
Of course, in practice it’s simpler just to bung the Prime Minister £3m and be done with it.
But other circumstances may also qualify. Fleeing from Ukraine, as Russian bombs rain down and Russian tanks flatten your home, will also mean that you may accrue points. Points mean prizes, and one lucky refugee will be selected at random to be turned back at Calais instead of at Paris like everybody else.
Otherwise, hard cheese, old thing. This is only fair, claims Go Home Secretary Priti Patel. Just because your homeland is being flattened by a hostile power which, coincidentally, also sponsors the Conservative Party, does not give you the right to jump the queue. “Let me be entirely clear with what I’m sayin’,” Patel said. “Fleein’ from war is, ultimately, your personal responsibility, and does not attract anythin’ near the fifteenty hundred and seventy twelve points needed to apply for a British visa. We basically don’t want none of you Baltic johnnies over here!”
It’s little wonder that most refugees choose the small boats across the Channel option instead.