Boris Johnson to impose sanctions on every Russian bank which has omitted to fund the Conservative Party

PUT YOUR MOUTH WHERE YOUR MONEY IS: Putin is about to invade Ukraine. So the great statesman, Boris Johnson, is getting a bit cross, and is sanctioning all the Russian banks. Well, the ones that stupidly didn’t bribe him not to. 

As a result, five insignificant Russian rouble counters, and three Russian billionaires with a conscience, will suffer the bluster and disapproval of a former great ally which has decided to enfeeble itself in the name of sovereignty. Early reports suggest that they are deeply, profoundly unconcerned. 

The rest of the bribey Russians have been told, secretly, to get their precious funds somewhere safe and neutral. Many are now masquerading as Nigerian princes. In this matter, they will be advised, indeed led, by British experts in money hoarding like the redoubtable Jacob Rees-Mogg. 

In a time of international crisis, the most important thing is to protect the Conservative Party. The thread of over-privileged underworked English entitlement that holds the country together will not be unravelled by a tin-pot Trumped-up dictator behaving badly half way around the globe. 

Boris Johnson, whose talk is as big as his effectiveness is low, is running scared. “I am the, erm, yes, no, well, wiff waff, right, left, erm, right man for the job,” he declared in the House. “What has Labour ever done, except whinge on and on, because I’ve got a Russian name? Keir isn’t English, it’s Scottish, he’s a tartan traitor!” Johnson’s job, of course, is to conceal the outrageous Russian influence over British foreign policy. 

Rumour has it that Johnson is not taking a harder line because Carrie won’t let him. It’s as if her future depends upon being able to manipulate Johnson into the weakest possible position, so that she can continue to be the conduit for Putin’s Prime Ministerial puppetry. 

And the London Laundromat must keep on churning to stop the whole sordid tale from emerging. 

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