BREAKING : PM to lift all pandemic restrictions so he can stop breaking them

PARTY LIKE IT’S 2020 : The British Prime Minister has announced that all pandemic restrictions in the UK are to end in what is seen as a “watershed moment” in UK law and order.

The decision to end the last vestiges of control over the potentially fatal virus comes after only a 170,000 people have died in the UK thanks to the “ramped up” governance of Mr Johnson and his Conservatives over the last couple of years. While many, many, many more lives could have been saved with a competent and concerned executive instead of a “tumbling haystack of shite”, it’s expected that everyone will forget about yesterday immediately and focus instead on how wonderful tomorrow will be.

“Our donors are fed up with opening new bank accounts too to stuff PPE cash into,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The burden of having to work out what to do with so many windfalls is not well understood by the man on the street. Just how many Georgian manors can you buy?”

Although what has happened to public money will also hopefully simply be forgotten as the Chancellor has already written off billions lost to fraud.

“Just don’t forget to pay that parking fine or you’re for it! Ha!” the source advises.

But the major benefactor of the end of restrictions will be Mr Johnson and his close inner circle.

“It’s seen as the only real way out of an endless catalogue of alleged lawbreaking by 10 Downing Street is to have no laws to break,” the source adds. “With the lifting of all restrictions we can finally sweep the past into the long grass and get on with the job of levelling up the country with some other avoidable calamity to conceal the acid of Brexit.”

It’s believed that the coming weekend in Downing Street will be “epic”.

“We are going to party like it’s 2020!” the source enthuses. “And there’s nothing anyone can do about it because their professional lives depend on not doing anything about it.”

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