LEOPARDS AND SPOTS : World beating British Prime Minister Boris Johnson maybe on the ropes but he’s not yet down, which will please the people currently battering him.
This entirely fabricated report, based on the PM’s well documented past activities, can reveal that in an imaginary and close meeting last night inside the headquarters of the 1922 coven the Prime Minister regaled Tory rebels with stories of his “Falstaffian capacity for indecency” and “carousing”. The references led to many of the newer selection of Tory MPs, elected in 2019 to GET BREXIT DONE, reaching for their smart phones to search for meaning.
“It was a tour de force,” one insider told LCD Views. “It was the old Boris back and swinging. Everyone there was left with the distinct impression that the government of the UK was on a steady course. The direction remains completely unclear, but that’s what was so reassuring.”
And to prove he isn’t removed from the day to day struggles of the hardworking patriots of Britain Mr Johnson revealed a keen awareness of the cost of living crisis.
“I was in the toilet at the time looking up carousing, but I heard rumours after that the PM promised to change mistresses. This will be all that is needed to prove he understands the impact of the high energy costs and looming tax rises on the voters.”
It’s believed Mr Johnson will install his next mistress in “much cheaper accommodation and there’ll be no messy divorces and marriages. No gold wallpaper next time. Potentially S925, so still shiny, but nowhere near as extravagant.”
The promise to reign in the PM’s spending to bring it inline with ordinary people may have a potential downside.
“Donors anxious to get in the PM’s good graces for no particular reason at all maybe alarmed though,” the source muses. “His financial incontinence and inability to see consequences in any sphere, personal, business or government, is what has made him so attractive. If he really does lower his cost of living it could lead to a crisis in the actual way the UK is currently governed.”
Exactly who the PM has his eye on isn’t known but, “Given he’s pretty much screwed the entire country in his brief time in office it’ll be a short list indeed.”