GOOD NEWS IF TRUE : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has sought to get ahead of the Sue Gray report into Downing Street parties by having a fictional source reveal the findings of its own non-existent inquiry into the Downing Street lockdown rule busting parties.
The report has been titled “If the house is a rocking don’t bother knocking!” after a famous 80’s popular music hit beloved of the PM, and the title sets the tone for the content.
“We were in a mood to celebrate,” the report details after interviewing no one. “Dead people had piled up across the country because old Bojo really could care less, and other dead people would do so in even greater magnitude in the coming months, so if we couldn’t celebrate before that happened when could we?”
This will be considered a fair explanation by the Mail and the Sun, which is all that really matters. But there’s more.
“We had to pop a few corks to celebrate the success of the UK’s ramped up vaccine roll out. Because it was bound to be a great success when it happened. Who can blame us? Some of you, indeed many of you, are only alive today as a result of it. You were in danger of dying as a result of a decision to make masks a culture war battleground, just think yourself lucky the PM hedged his bets! And at the time we conceived of vaccinating against a potentially lethal virus no one else was even thinking about it. We essentially saved humanity. We should be commended, not nitpicked at over a few close friends sharing a glass of fizz. So why don’t you all just get back into your boxes and doff those caps.”
How much the report will protect the PM against the Gray report isn’t yet clear though, with Sue’s masterpiece due for delivery tomorrow.
“If she focuses on reality we’re screwed,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Thankfully the UK abandoned reality way back on the 24th June 2016, so there’s hope for the old blonde boofhead yet. By the way, have I mentioned the UK’s vaccine roll out? We’re ahead of the world. Except for the parts of it that we’re now behind.”