WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE STATUES : 10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly to the shocking and unpatriotic decision this week to clear the Colston Four of criminal damage.
“Those judges are the enemies of the statues,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Long dead white men cast in bronze are the bedrock of the UK’s cultural life and identity. What the decision this week says to the army of the woke is beyond calculation. Saboteurs and fifth columnists will say that the court merely upheld the law but we all know that the law doesn’t matter under Johnson’s government.”
Happily though for any red faced ageing men with high blood pressure the Prime Minister is rumoured to have taken personal control of the matter.
“Mr Johnson convened a cheese and wine tasting last night and came up with a bold course of action to stop these vile progressive forces in their tracks. And what’s more it twins neatly with the levelling up agenda he’s so proud of.”
The plan appears to be to invest heavily into Bristol.
“We’re going to drain Bristol Harbour. This way no one will be throwing any more statues into it. There will be a minor cost to shipping in the area, but that’s something we can live with because other people take care of the consequences of our poor thinking. You just wait until the next statue is dragged to the edge of the harbour wall by some scruffy yoghurt eating layabouts! The shock on their faces when they see just a dry and stony landscape where once was water will be priceless.”
Bristol Council is said to be fully behind the plan and will be pushing for the dry harbour to be consecrated as a shrine to Colston and all he stood for.
“It’s important that everyone gets the message loud and clear,” the source added. “Only Tory MPs are allowed to do criminal damage to the UK.”