IN FOR A PENNY, IN FOR A POUND: A Tory MP has been accused of being a cheapskate. He has claimed the entire cost of his Christmas shopping on expenses. Allegedly.
The MP for Avarice-on-the-Rise, Fillham Pockitts, has claimed for his every last Christmas expense, right down to tinsel and party hats. I mean, ‘business meeting with cheese and wine’ hats.
Even the tub of individually wrapped miniature chocolates for his local hospital has been claimed for. Each individually wrapped treat has gone down as a separate expense, at a vastly unrealistic value.
It is not yet certain whether all the expenses will be allowed. But in a preemptive move, Mr Pockitts has pleaded for extra consultancy work, in case the Clandestine Expenses Claim Commander decides that the acquisition of a pony, stabling fees, a year’s worth of feed, riding lessons, saddlery etc are not allowable. In which case Mr Pockitts is alleged to want to spend as much time as possible away from his daughter’s wrath.
In a sign that the tideswell of public opinion is finally seeping through into the consciousness of the collective Tory hive mind, Mr Pockitts’ prudence looks to be well placed. “The public, upon whom we rely for our place on the gravy train, must be mollified,” said Parliamentary Standards spokesman Bungus A. Tenor. “Unfortunately, a human sacrifice may be required to satisfy the mob, and Mr Pockitts is taking the piss more than most. He’s just a drone, so it doesn’t matter if he takes the hit.”
The subtext is that, by making an example of Mr Pockitts, other expense claims may be quietly agreed and the matter dropped. A blaze of publicity, a serious word from the Prime Minister considering ‘the matter, erm, yes, no, what, isn’t it, wiff waff, common sense, vaccines, get your jabs, erm, oh yes yes yes, the matter is closed.’
And the runaway gravy train may continue on its way.