DRESS TO IMPRESS: The latest overpromoted empty vessel in government has demonstrated exactly why the country is in a mess. This time it’s Dim Dom Raab confidently confirming his dimness.
Raab is well known for his great suitability for being kept away from power and a public voice. It’s handy to remember some of his proudest moments. His mathematical skill, which makes Diane Abbott and even Priti Patel look numerate. His brilliantly tenuous grasp of geography. His brave stance against misogyny towards men. And who could forget the time he claimed that the sea was closed?
Raab is now chancing his arm at the tricky business of virology. Amid the rows about overpriced dodgy PPE bought by generously funded well-connected Tory mates, and now revelations of industrial scale rule breaking by government departments, Raab has skilfully conflated the two. Wearing a suit, he claims, is the most effective way to deflect a virus.
In conjunction with self medicational quantities of cheese and wine, the suit can give almost 100% protection.
“The virus respects smart business dress,” stuttered Raab, sweating like Boris Johnson confronted by an angry and heavily pregnant bit of skirt. “It respects power and authority. This is my takeaway from the latest SAGE report, at least the bits that I could read.”
There was a pause, as he looked in vain for an escape route. Like a Raabit in the headlights.
“Err… err…. Levelling up, rolling out, hands space save face, world beating…. Vaccines! Get yourself triple, or even double jabbed! That’s it! Now I remember! And always wear a suit! I recommend a Windsor knot in your tie, the virus won’t go near you if it thinks you are royalty.”
It’s worth reminding ourselves that Dominic Raab was once regarded as a serious Tory leadership candidate. It’s also worth noting that he is most definitely overqualified, given the current incumbent.