SAY YOUR PRAYERS, SUCKERS: Faith healing is nothing new. But it has now become the UK’s favoured medical response.
In recent days this new policy has become all too clear. Traditional science-based medicine has been supplanted by a more sophisticated system.
This doctrine says that democratic principles beat education every time. In short, winning an election trumps expertise.
Boris Johnson has embedded this principle in the government’s response to the omicron variant. This was clear from his latest scruffy haired piece to camera.
“The only way to beat the omicron variant is to cross your fingers, close your eyes, make a wish, and hope like hell,” he said, amid an avalanche of meaningless waffle. “I’m Prime Minister, which means I know best. I was elected, you know, which means that the science must follow me!”
Government scientific advisor Tess Tubes explained further. “Advisors advise, ministers know better,” she elaborated. “Being elected brings many privileges. Our latest research, mostly on ministers’ social media feeds and WhatsApp groups, reveals that election creates immunity, and this immunity covers not only prosecution and responsibility, but infection too. The Daily Express is running a front page splash on this tomorrow, which we will use to justify our decisions retrospectively, and gain immunity from the police too.”
Years upon years of knowledge have been updated. It seems that grubby kids in the school playground were on the right scent all along.
“The Prime Minister has declared that it’s impossible to catch covid when you’ve got croggsies!” shrilled Tubes. “You know, fingers crossed so that whoever’s On can’t tig you! The virus works exactly the same!”
Belief and faith have beaten science at long last.
“Why do you cross yourself when you go to church?” demanded Tubes. “So the virus can’t get you! Simples! It’s how the church survived the Plague! If you die of covid it’s your own fault for not Believing In Boris enough!”
Hands together, eyes closed. Don’t forget to blow your nose… ooops…